What is lurking below the surface?

 My life does not have to be completely together because my identity is not based on my performance or appearance. What freedom in those glorious truths.

Moments of insecurity often arise when I am tired and running late. Just the fact I am running late is enough for me to hear the old and familiar accusations.”You are not enough. Look you can’t even get ready on time. What is wrong with you?”

As I raced around trying to get ready, I questioned my outfit. Doubts raced through my mind. “Do I like this outfit? Do I look beautiful? Does this outfit make me look fat?”

Before dashing out the door, I realized I had almost forgotten the present we had for our friends we would see later that evening. While I had bought the gift far in advance, I had not taken time to wrap it. As I tried to quickly find a gift bag, the accusations that screamed at me were “This room is a mess. Why can’t you get organized so you can find things quickly? Why didn’t you wrap this ahead of time? You are a failure.”

All of these doubts and accusations happened in a very short amount of time. They all boiled down to the deep fear of “I am not enough. I am a failure.”

If you had asked me last night if I was struggling with insecurity, my answer would have been no. I felt content and at peace with myself. Yet, all it took was one hurried morning to bring out some insecurities and lies that still lurked below the surface.

God has been incredibly faithful. He has brought me so far in this journey. A journey towards wholeness and freedom. A journey towards to my identity as His Beloved.

When I stop and take a moment to reflect on what I know to be true, the fears and accusations are silenced.

The truth sets us free. The truth that God, my Abba Father, declares over my life is that I am His beloved daughter. He says that I am enough. He loves me, delights in me, and accepts me completely. Simply because I am His child. It is not based on anything that I can do. I am free from striving. I am whole, complete, and free in Him.

May I declare and truly live in my identity as His beloved!

Icecream dates, ocean storms, and pretty plates

 

32 things I am grateful for during this past year. (There’s no particular order to my list!)
1. Pretty plates
2. Running along the Charles River
3. Ocean storms
4. Our home by the ocean
5. Boston Red Sox winning the World Series
6. Stephen’s graduation
7. Ice cream dates
8. Visits from friends and family
9. Working out with my husband
10. Spring in Boston (when it finally came!)
11. Hiking in New Hampshire
12. Crane beach school trip
13. Surprise Starbucks drinks
14. Long distance travel over
15. Creating a home together
16. Writing once again
17. Daily praises
18. Husband’s African tea
19. first Christmas together
20. Creating traditions
21. Jesus Culture concert
22. Sunrises and sunsets over the ocean
23. Visiting dear friends in Virginia
24. Phone and skype conversations
25. Our wedding- my husband!
26. Beautiful honeymoon
27. Lunch breaks in the public gardens
28. Shirley church family
29. Husband driving me to work every morning
30. Birthday wishes
31. Love letters
32. My identity as God’s beloved

Why do I love celebrating birthdays?

It is a well known fact that I love to celebrate my birthday. I mean how could you not want to celebrate your birthday when it falls on the first day of summer and the longest day of the year? My birthday also marks the glorious start of summer vacation.

My husband says that I become an extrovert on my birthday as I love attention from others. I love knowing that people love and care for me. Whether it’s a phone call, a birthday card, a Facebook post, or a “happy birthday” greeting I feel blessed by all the people God has put into my life.

Growing up, my mom made us simple birthday posters and hung them around the house. We were able to choose our birthday dinner and dessert. Strawberry shortcake was the natural choice as my birthday was during our town’s local Strawberry Festival.

I truly embraced celebrating my birthday in my twenties. I loved my twenty-fifth birthday celebration. One of my best friends knew my love of birthdays and gifts and she indulged me. A large bouquet of balloons, collection of small gifts, and a thoughtful birthday card greeted me a the start of our evening. Throughout the rest of the evening, additional birthday cards continued to appear. We went to a fancy Italian restaurant that was located in a beautiful, old Victorian house. Our leisurely dinner was full of friends, laughter, and stories. I had never felt so loved.

Growing up, I did not have many friendships. I often felt lonely, awkward, and out of place in my school. While other girls had big birthday parties when they turned sixteen, I was acutely aware of my lack of friends and social status when I turned sixteen.

While I enjoy attention and gifts on my birthday, what I truly treasure is the fact that God has now given me with so many meaningful friendships. I am overwhelmed by the sense of community He has blessed me with and the people who have influenced my life.

During my twenties, I began to fully embrace and live in my identity as God’s beloved. Every year on my birthday, I enjoy going to a quiet park to spend time with my Abba Father. I reflect on the past year, soak in His love for me, and look forward to all that He has in store for me during the coming year. The God of the Universe is my Beloved King. He delights in me. Wow.

I believe each birthday is worth celebrating. God created each person “fearfully and wonderfully made”. He crafted you and declares that you are marvelous. While I enjoy celebrating birthdays, God actually celebrates us each and every day. It tells us in Zephaniah that God “rejoices over us with singing”.

As my thirty-second birthday approached, I realized this birthday would look a little different. It would be the first time I had to work on my birthday. I was thousands of miles away from most of my friends. This allowed me to step back and realize the most important thing I had not changed. Time with my Abba Father during a beautiful summer day.

God was in the details of my birthday. I got out of work early. I enjoyed lunch at the Public Gardens. Thanks to technology I felt loved by so many people. This year, God had given me one of His very best gifts. My wonderful husband. A man who I had dreamed about, prayed for, and desired. And like any good gift, God shows me just how well He knows me through the gift of my husband. How lavish His love is for me!

I hope you fully enjoy celebrating your next birthday. May you know how deeply God loves and delights in you!

How do you celebrate your birthday? Do you have any favorite birthday memories?

Unexpected Challenges

Unexpected challenges. Challenges that come suddenly, without warning. That appear to have no immediate end. Ones that require God’s grace daily, moment by moment. Full of days that are exhausting, draining, and leave you feeling empty.

It has been two month since I have written a blog post. I felt like I had nothing left to give at the end of the day.

And this particular challenge ended just as it had begun. Unexpectedly, Suddenly, Intensely. 

I was left with immense relief along with lingering questions. Questions that I do not have answers to. Questions that I will never know the answers to. Questions that leave me without a sense of closure.

In the midst of these questions, I chose to rest in God’s grace and sovereignty. I trust that He sees the much larger picture. I trust that He can and will work all things together for good. I trust that He is bigger and He is able.

I choose to remember who God is. In the midst of this challenge, did I do everything perfectly? No, but I remember that God’s grace and forgiveness is there for me. I remember that He can work all things together for good. I remember that He is able to do more. so much more than I could ever imagine. When I see the limitations, the brokenness, the past… I wonder. I worry. I fear. When I look to God. I remember that He is ABLE. He is Love. He is Grace.

“Never ending, unstoppable, never giving up, un-breaking, always and forever love.”

I choose to lay down my burdens and worries. I choose trust Him. I choose not to feel guilty by the relief that I feel but trust God. I trust that He is proud of me. That I was faithful for the season He gave me.

I choose to be grateful for the lessons during this challenge.

I am grateful for how I saw my husband supported me in amazing ways. I am so grateful for the gift of my husband. For moments when he truly stepped up as my hero.

I am grateful for how God changed my heart in the midst of this challenge. For in the midst of feeling empty and drained, my heart started changing. Bitter. Angry. Discontent. Grumbling. Discouraged. A very negative attitude started to emerge. I cried out to Him to do a work in my heart that I was unable to do. In the midst of the challenge, He changed my heart. To dependency on Him. A heart of gratitude. Receiving His grace. Praising Him.

He opened my eyes and gave me fresh perspective. He encouraged me as I choose to trust Him one day at a time.

My husband warned me one particular Sunday that he was not preaching at me. The big idea of his message “Challenges are an opportunity for God to grow our character and develop our confidence in Him”. While he may not have been preaching at me, God knew exactly the reminder I needed. My Abba Father loves me enough to convict me, challenge me, and encourage me. All at the same time.

I know my tendency. To take on another’s burdens. The desire to rescue.

My Abba Father gently reminds me that I can lay it all down at His feet. Those burdens are too heavy for me to carry. They are not meant for me. HE is the Rescuer. HE is the Healer. HE is the Restorer and Redeemer. HE is ABLE. HE is Powerful. HE is Love. 

The compassion, love, concern my heart feels is a small glimmer of God’s heart.

So I choose to trust Him. 

my soul longs for rest

How do you live a balanced life? I have found myself recently trying to balance it all. All the schoolwork… lesson plans, weekly newsletters, endless papers to grade. All the housework… cleaning, laundry (praise God we are finally able to do laundry in our home!), and occasionally cooking a meal. Time with God. Time with my husband. Time with friends. Time to work out. And this is all without children.

When I get in this mode of trying to balance it all, my focus becomes on my to-do list. On setting goals, on getting things done, on how much there is still left to do. While I love checking off my to-do list, it starts to feel empty. My soul longs for more than this. More than a perfectly balanced life. More than getting things done. More than trying to live up to my own expectations. More than trying to be like others. My soul longs for rest.

Rest found in the boundless love of God. Time to be still before my Beloved King. To hear Him whisper, “You are enough. You are my beloved daughter. You are loved. You are treasured. I am pleased in You. I delight in You. Simply because You are mine.”

There is such rest, freedom, and restoration in those words. Freedom from my own expectations. Freedom to rest, to be still, to go deeper. There is restoration for my tired soul. Tired from busyness. Tired from grief and the brokenness of this world.

His love brings life, restoration, renewal. His love alone satisfies. 

May His love satisfy me each and every morning. May the most important thing to me be His love. Learning how to truly dwell in His love. To allow His love to fill me, satisfy me, and define me.

“Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.” Psalm 90:14

Goodness in the midst of Sorrow

I never cease to be amazed at how intimate God is with His children. My Abba Father meets me where I am at and He speaks to my heart.

I recently started a daily Bible reading plan that takes you through the entire Bible in a year. The Psalm yesterday captured my heart and emotions.

“Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak… save me because of your unfailing love… I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief…for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer.”

The night before I had found myself sobbing, my heart breaking for the brokenness in this world. For how I unexpectedly encountered brokenness, sadness, and sorrow earlier this week.

God has given me a sensitive heart which allows me to feel deeply. My time of weeping was my heart feeling deeply another’s pain.

As I wept for this one’s hurt, I found myself also weeping for the sorrow of unexpectedly losing my cousin Joshua this past September. I wept for how unfair life is at times, how broken this life is, and for all the hurt and pain in this world.

God is big enough to handle our grief. The next morning, He compassionately reminded me through Psalm 6 of how He hears our weeping. He understands when we are worn out from sobbing and our vision is blurred by grief. He is there with us. He is there holding us tightly in His loving, strong, everlasting arms. He does not let go of us. We are free to cry, to grieve and to feel sadness.

The very next day, I stumbled upon this song which spoke right to my heart. God showing me His love and goodness.

“Good to Me” by Audrey Assad

I put all my hope on the truth of Your promise
and I steady my heart on the ground of Your goodness
When I’m bowed down with sorrow I will lift up Your name
and the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy

Chorus:
Because You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me

I lift my eyes to the hills where my help is found
Your voice fills the night raise my head up and hear the sound
Though fires burn all around me I will praise You, my God
and the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy

Bridge:
Your goodness and mercy shall follow me
all my life
I will trust in Your promise

These words spoke right to my heart… “I steady my heart on the ground of Your goodness…When I’m bowed down with sorrow I will lift Your name. I will lift my eyes to the hills where my help is found…Because You are good to Me…Your goodness and mercy shall follow me all my life and I will trust in Your promise.”

In the midst of sorrow, God’s goodness does not change. I will choose to steady my heart on God’s goodness. I will choose to lift up God’s name. I will lift my head up from the sorrow around me and look upon His goodness. For He is good. God never changes. His goodness and mercy follows me all of the days of my life. I will choose to trust His promises. For He is good.

One day there will be no more sorrow, no more pain, no more brokenness, no more hurt. Until that day, I will continue to look to my God. For He is good.

When Life Overwhelms

God recently reminded me of a vivid image He gave me last September. It was during a moment of my life when I was completely overwhelmed. I was newly married. I had left my home, my friends, my community to live in Boston with my husband. I was adjusting to marriage and many life changes.

I didn’t have enough time! I didn’t have time to get settled in our home before I started working. Our home, which was full of boxes but lacking of furniture, left me feeling completely unsettled.

I didn’t have time to prepare for the challenges lying before me in a new school year. I didn’t have time to finish preparing my classroom before meeting all the parents for the first time. I didn’t have time to finish preparing for a new year of teaching before meeting my students for the first time.

It was during all of this change and busyness that I felt like I was drowning. To say I was overwhelmed is an understatement.

I started believing lies. “You can’t do this. You need to be perfect. A perfect wife. A perfect teacher. Look at how you are already failing. You are a failure.”

After one peculiar emotional afternoon of giving in to my fears, I went out for a quick run. Our home is near ocean. For the first time I ventured out on a rock barge. As I sat down there on the rocks, with the strong waves crashing all around me, God gave me a new perspective.

It didn’t matter what my position was on the rocks. Whether I was standing with arms raised in victory or if I was curled up in a ball on the rocks. My position on the rocks did not change the fact: the rock was a solid foundation and the waves were crashing all around it. In the same way, it did not matter if I was having a day when I am walking in victory as God’s child or a day like earlier when I felt like a failure. My day, my position, my feelings did not change the fact that God is my solid rock. His waves of love continue to crash all around me. Over and over again.

His lavish love never fails. It is unending. His love is not dependent upon me.

God gave me fresh encouragement out on that rock barge. In all my moments of “I can’t do this God!” I realized that was where God wanted me. I realized that I did not need to be perfect. I did not need to do it on my own strength. While life felt overwhelming, God was my solid rock and His love was never ending.

As each wave crashed against the rocks, God was saying “I love you, I love you, I love you”.

When life overwhelms you where do you turn? In what area of your life do you need this freeing and refreshing truth: His love is not based on your performance? Oh how He loves you!

Joy of Running

I love running. Tonight I was reminded of why I love to run. I was overwhelmed with a sense of defeat. My mindset was on the brink of affecting my actions. I was about to make some decisions I would later regret. I knew that if I went out for a quick run, the mindset would be broken. However, it was hard to go against my strong feelings. Defeated. It was cold and dark out. I simply sat and cried out loud to God. Lord, I need you. Jesus, I need you.

A simple cry for help. I know God is available to help in such moments yet I often don’t simply cry out. It’s easier to wallow in my feelings. It’s easier to follow in the same habit. Change is hard. I finally got my running shoes on and started running.

Ahhh, I love running. Just running a few simple miles broke my mindset. Running fills me with fresh energy and life.

I love my gospel playlist. I fill my mind with God’s truth while I push forward in my run… I am victorious in Christ… I am an overcomer… I am free. I finished my run, free of all negative feelings. Free to go forward. It started with a simple cry to God for help.

I know these basic truths. For goodness sake, I memorized 1 Corinthians 10:13 in sixth grade. God always provides a way of escape. He always makes a way. He is always available to help us. While I know this, so many times I don’t stop. To be still. To ask God for His help. His power. His deliverance.

I know truths of who I am in Christ. Free. Victorious. Forgiven. Restored. Loved. Accepted. I know them but living them out can be a different matter. I need reminders. To not act based on my feelings but based on the truth of who GOD says I am.

Lord God, I pray that I will remind myself daily of my identity in You. I pray that I will live and act as Your beloved daughter. I pray that I will stop and cry out for help during my day. You are the almighty God of this Universe. Why am I trying on my own feeble strength? Thank you Abba Father for the joy of running. Thank you for these simple reminders. In Jesus Name, Amen

 

 

2013: Best year of my life!

My 13 highlights of 2013. Enjoy!

1. I said YES!
Stephen asked me to marry him in NYC. Thanks to his best friend Mark, Stephen pulled off an incredible engagement story.

2. Wedding dress shopping
I had the time of my life trying on wedding dresses. I enjoyed modeling every style of wedding dress with my mom, bridesmaids, and flower girl. I fell in love with the perfect dress!

3. Engagement photos in Philly
I have the best sister who also happens to be an amazing photographer! Stephen and I had so much fun going around Philly with Ben and Natalie. The day flew by!

4. Half Marathon with Jonathan
This was the first race my brother and I ran together. I was reminded of how powerful it is to have someone running alongside you. The thrill of crossing the finish line never gets old!

5. Wedding Showers
I have never felt so loved by others!!! After 8 years of teaching at my school, it was finally my turn for a shower! My mom threw me a beautiful shower in NY with family, friends, and sweet old ladies from church. My bridesmaids surprised me with an Anne of Green Gables shower. Big hats, tea cups, and raspberry cordial. Lastly, my church family gave me a powerful time of prayer and encouragement.

6. 31st Birthday
Celebrating my birthday is a highlight for me every year! This year I celebrated with two of my favorite people, my best friend and fiancé!

7. No more goodbyes!
After eights months of long distance travel, FaceTime, and constantly saying goodbye I was beyond excited to pick Stephen up from the airport the week of our wedding. I was never so happy to see him and be done forever with goodbyes!

8. Our wedding day!

I loved every single moment of our day! The ceremony was worshipful, the reception was a blast, and we spontaneously ended the day with pictures in DC. One of my favorite moments was when Stephen twirled me around and we danced our way down the church aisle to the song “Oh Happy Day“. Such pure joy… We are married!!!

9. Honeymoon in New England
Life is better together!

10. Getting Settled in Boston
God provided a teaching job in Boston and a home by the ocean. We were so grateful for each person who helped us get settled! My parents were our first house guests and my mom spent hours setting up my classroom. Our friend John moved all my belonging up to Boston and stored them for us until we were married. Our friends Mikala and Tom were a huge help to us.

11. Rebekah’s visit!
This fall I missed all of my friends in Virginia. I was excited when my best friend Rebekah came to visit. In our short weekend together we hiked a mountain, went apple picking, made pumpkin pancakes, and explored Boston. There is nothing like a visit for a “bosom friend” to cheer you up!

12. Our first Christmas together!

13. New Year’s Eve
We entered and ended 2013 with our good friends Micah and Jannat. We recounted all the memories we had together in 2013 while making plans for new adventures in 2014!