What is lurking below the surface?

 My life does not have to be completely together because my identity is not based on my performance or appearance. What freedom in those glorious truths.

Moments of insecurity often arise when I am tired and running late. Just the fact I am running late is enough for me to hear the old and familiar accusations.”You are not enough. Look you can’t even get ready on time. What is wrong with you?”

As I raced around trying to get ready, I questioned my outfit. Doubts raced through my mind. “Do I like this outfit? Do I look beautiful? Does this outfit make me look fat?”

Before dashing out the door, I realized I had almost forgotten the present we had for our friends we would see later that evening. While I had bought the gift far in advance, I had not taken time to wrap it. As I tried to quickly find a gift bag, the accusations that screamed at me were “This room is a mess. Why can’t you get organized so you can find things quickly? Why didn’t you wrap this ahead of time? You are a failure.”

All of these doubts and accusations happened in a very short amount of time. They all boiled down to the deep fear of “I am not enough. I am a failure.”

If you had asked me last night if I was struggling with insecurity, my answer would have been no. I felt content and at peace with myself. Yet, all it took was one hurried morning to bring out some insecurities and lies that still lurked below the surface.

God has been incredibly faithful. He has brought me so far in this journey. A journey towards wholeness and freedom. A journey towards to my identity as His Beloved.

When I stop and take a moment to reflect on what I know to be true, the fears and accusations are silenced.

The truth sets us free. The truth that God, my Abba Father, declares over my life is that I am His beloved daughter. He says that I am enough. He loves me, delights in me, and accepts me completely. Simply because I am His child. It is not based on anything that I can do. I am free from striving. I am whole, complete, and free in Him.

May I declare and truly live in my identity as His beloved!

Why do I love celebrating birthdays?

It is a well known fact that I love to celebrate my birthday. I mean how could you not want to celebrate your birthday when it falls on the first day of summer and the longest day of the year? My birthday also marks the glorious start of summer vacation.

My husband says that I become an extrovert on my birthday as I love attention from others. I love knowing that people love and care for me. Whether it’s a phone call, a birthday card, a Facebook post, or a “happy birthday” greeting I feel blessed by all the people God has put into my life.

Growing up, my mom made us simple birthday posters and hung them around the house. We were able to choose our birthday dinner and dessert. Strawberry shortcake was the natural choice as my birthday was during our town’s local Strawberry Festival.

I truly embraced celebrating my birthday in my twenties. I loved my twenty-fifth birthday celebration. One of my best friends knew my love of birthdays and gifts and she indulged me. A large bouquet of balloons, collection of small gifts, and a thoughtful birthday card greeted me a the start of our evening. Throughout the rest of the evening, additional birthday cards continued to appear. We went to a fancy Italian restaurant that was located in a beautiful, old Victorian house. Our leisurely dinner was full of friends, laughter, and stories. I had never felt so loved.

Growing up, I did not have many friendships. I often felt lonely, awkward, and out of place in my school. While other girls had big birthday parties when they turned sixteen, I was acutely aware of my lack of friends and social status when I turned sixteen.

While I enjoy attention and gifts on my birthday, what I truly treasure is the fact that God has now given me with so many meaningful friendships. I am overwhelmed by the sense of community He has blessed me with and the people who have influenced my life.

During my twenties, I began to fully embrace and live in my identity as God’s beloved. Every year on my birthday, I enjoy going to a quiet park to spend time with my Abba Father. I reflect on the past year, soak in His love for me, and look forward to all that He has in store for me during the coming year. The God of the Universe is my Beloved King. He delights in me. Wow.

I believe each birthday is worth celebrating. God created each person “fearfully and wonderfully made”. He crafted you and declares that you are marvelous. While I enjoy celebrating birthdays, God actually celebrates us each and every day. It tells us in Zephaniah that God “rejoices over us with singing”.

As my thirty-second birthday approached, I realized this birthday would look a little different. It would be the first time I had to work on my birthday. I was thousands of miles away from most of my friends. This allowed me to step back and realize the most important thing I had not changed. Time with my Abba Father during a beautiful summer day.

God was in the details of my birthday. I got out of work early. I enjoyed lunch at the Public Gardens. Thanks to technology I felt loved by so many people. This year, God had given me one of His very best gifts. My wonderful husband. A man who I had dreamed about, prayed for, and desired. And like any good gift, God shows me just how well He knows me through the gift of my husband. How lavish His love is for me!

I hope you fully enjoy celebrating your next birthday. May you know how deeply God loves and delights in you!

How do you celebrate your birthday? Do you have any favorite birthday memories?

Joy of Running

I love running. Tonight I was reminded of why I love to run. I was overwhelmed with a sense of defeat. My mindset was on the brink of affecting my actions. I was about to make some decisions I would later regret. I knew that if I went out for a quick run, the mindset would be broken. However, it was hard to go against my strong feelings. Defeated. It was cold and dark out. I simply sat and cried out loud to God. Lord, I need you. Jesus, I need you.

A simple cry for help. I know God is available to help in such moments yet I often don’t simply cry out. It’s easier to wallow in my feelings. It’s easier to follow in the same habit. Change is hard. I finally got my running shoes on and started running.

Ahhh, I love running. Just running a few simple miles broke my mindset. Running fills me with fresh energy and life.

I love my gospel playlist. I fill my mind with God’s truth while I push forward in my run… I am victorious in Christ… I am an overcomer… I am free. I finished my run, free of all negative feelings. Free to go forward. It started with a simple cry to God for help.

I know these basic truths. For goodness sake, I memorized 1 Corinthians 10:13 in sixth grade. God always provides a way of escape. He always makes a way. He is always available to help us. While I know this, so many times I don’t stop. To be still. To ask God for His help. His power. His deliverance.

I know truths of who I am in Christ. Free. Victorious. Forgiven. Restored. Loved. Accepted. I know them but living them out can be a different matter. I need reminders. To not act based on my feelings but based on the truth of who GOD says I am.

Lord God, I pray that I will remind myself daily of my identity in You. I pray that I will live and act as Your beloved daughter. I pray that I will stop and cry out for help during my day. You are the almighty God of this Universe. Why am I trying on my own feeble strength? Thank you Abba Father for the joy of running. Thank you for these simple reminders. In Jesus Name, Amen

 

 

Identity: in the midst of changes

I had an interesting moment tonight. I was sitting at a table full of girls, chatting after a long week of work. When a simple observation was made. At one end of the table sat the married “older” women and the other end of the table sat the “younger” single ladies.

It took me a moment to realize that I was in the category of “older” married women. After 30 years of being single and only 3 months of being married, I have to remind myself that I am now in the married category. And after the past decade of being the younger 20-something girl, I am now the “older” 30-something girl.

While I may need a moment to realize this, I honestly don’t mind the categories I find myself in. I actually love it. I was excited to enter my thirties. I absolutely love being married. It’s simply a new identity for me. “Married and older”.

When I pause to think about it, a lot of my identity has changed recently. Single to married. 20s to 30s. Virginian to Bostonian. Public school teacher to Private school teacher. Church member to Pastor’s wife.

That is quite a list. A simple comment from tonight reminded me of all of these changes.

Yet, has my identity really changed that much? These are all outward changes of my identity. And yes, with each change comes adjustments. I would be the first to acknowledge that my life has been full of adjustments recently. However, I do not feel like my identity has changed that drastically. Not in the sense of what truly matters.

For God has given me an identity that will not change. The year before I met Stephen, God spoke a specific word into my life. Instead of New Year’s resolutions that I would soon quickly forget, God gave me one word to focus on for that year. Beloved.

What is my identity? God’s Beloved. What was my identity before I meet my husband? Beloved. What is my identity now that I am married and in the midst of all of these life changes? Beloved.

What does that mean to be the beloved of the God?
be·lov·ed
adjective
1.
greatly loved; dear to the heart.
noun
2.
a person who is greatly loved.

Synonyms
1. cherished, precious; sweet, darling.

A person who is greatly loved. What does this simple definition mean in my life? I am greatly loved. I am precious to Him. I am cherished in God’s sight. I am completely accepted. He rejoices over me with singing. He takes great delight in me. His love for me is perfect.

“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.” Deuteronomy 33:12

I can rest in the Lord’s love. There is no need for striving, performing, or earning of love and approval. I can rest secure in Him for I am loved and accepted. My God will shield me.

“The one the Lord loves”. As I continue to adjust and navigate through all the changes in my life, my simple prayer is that I continue to rest securely in my identity as God’s beloved.